New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
