He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
