I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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