i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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