Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
