I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So vagazzling was a success
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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