Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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