Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
