my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
