I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
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Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
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Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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