So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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