Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
