dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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