I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
