her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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