You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
