can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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