You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
