Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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