I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
