i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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