I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
