I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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