only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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