did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
