took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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