I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
