Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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