I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize