I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
