im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
