We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
