I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
