I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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