Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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