I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
