i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
