I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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