i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
