So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
