I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
