My Higher Power is John Stamos
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
