I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
