Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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