you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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