Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
