Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
