He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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