i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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