Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
