I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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