did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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