I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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