just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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